Motherhood in Catalonia: creating change through community

When Isabel Màrquez became a mother for the first time fourteen years ago, she felt overwhelmed, lonely, and then guilty. It was supposed to be "the best moment" of her life.

"When I became a mother, all the attention suddenly shifted to the baby, and I was left in the background," she recalls.

"I had all these emotions and feelings of discomfort, and I couldn’t put a name on them – and I was a psychologist."

 

It wasn't until her second child was born and she going through a difficult time breastfeeding and juggling the motherhood of two, that Isabel discovered the European Institute of Perinatal Mental Health (EIPMH).

"I got hooked," she said. "I just kept learning and learning until one day, I decided to leave my job as a high school counselor and become a perinatal psychologist." 

Today, she runs Maternart, a clinic specializing in psychotherapy, support, and counseling for women and couples in the perinatal stage to help them navigate their emotional well-being. 

"There isn’t enough information out there," she explains. "It's really easy for mothers to think that they are failing as mothers." 

Naming the change 

Àngels, a new mother originally from Lleida, shares a similar story. During her pregnancy, she felt "a lot of guilt" for not feeling well emotionally and physically, something Isabel affirms is completely normal. 

While pregnant, Àngels attended a consciousness festival, and it was there that she began feeling seen.

"For the first time since becoming pregnant, I didn't feel weird about my feelings or what I was going through," she says. "I could embrace them, and also I could give it all a name: 'matrescence.'"

Matrescence refers to the psychological, emotional, and social transformation involved in becoming a mother. Although Àngels had read a lot about how motherhood transforms and shapes a person, she wasn't prepared for what the word would mean to her.

"It was kind of like I had died and been reborn with my baby," she explains. "I wasn't aware of the meaning of these words until I had my baby. I'm still me, but I don't recognize myself anymore," she says, adding that it's both a "very powerful" and yet "scary" feeling, that she sees as a "new opportunity to grow."

Her experience inspired a major shift in her work life, too: "I know that I want to work with women, and the processes that some of us go through."

Finding a 'tribe'

While the Spanish public healthcare system offers prenatal and postpartum groups for mothers, Isabel insists society should invest more in them to "prevent emotional problems, build a 'tribe,' share ideas, and learn together."

"Today's society tells us that we have to raise our children alone, and that we can do it because our parents did it," she says. "But what they don't tell you is that our parents also felt alone, and maybe they also had a community back then, it just wasn't called that; it could be a mother, a grandmother, or an aunt who would help a bit." 

In her opinion, "we live in an individualistic society where we think we should do everything on our own," she adds. "But asking for help is the first step towards going through motherhood with a bit more calm."

Mariana, a grandmother from Chile now living in Catalonia, co-raises her granddaughter with her son. She agrees with Isabel.

"The concept of raising children as a group has been lost. For me, that sense of group identity is very important. My children played outside on the street with the other kids, with the neighbours, and now they are stuck in small apartments, isolated from one another."

Motherhood is "not for everyone"

Diana, a single mother to a 13-month-old daughter, spent years deciding to start a family on her own, calling it a "tough" decision.

"It’s quite demanding," she admits. "I don’t think it’s for everyone. You need to be a good multitasker" and have financial stability, she says. 

For her, a support network of friends was essential.

"There are times when the kid is sick or when I'm sick, which is actually the hardest, where you really need somebody to be there for you, or bring you some food, or take you to the hospital if it's super urgent," she explains, although she stresses that despite the challenges, being a mother is "really rewarding."

Reinvigorated through hardships

Maria Herrero is the mother of a seventeen-year-old son with an 81% registered disability. Burnt out and exhausted, she joined the Mothers’ Union for Functional Diversity (Sindicat de Mares en la Diversitat Funcional), which advocates for better resources and legal recognition of the role of the caretakers, who are mostly mothers.

For her, joining the union has meant "a fundamental personal change."

"From feeling very alone, very overwhelmed, and tired to realizing that this happens to all of us, and that it’s not fair," she says. 

"It's not just that I plan my time badly, no. All mothers who have children with disabilities show similar signs of exhaustion and of having very little personal time, and forgetting about themselves for a very long time."

Although she sees progress in society, Maria says there's still a long way to go. "But being able to come together and share our experiences has made me so happy and reinvigorated me." 

Community building for the children

Building community isn't only beneficial to mothers, but also to their children, explains Alena. 

Originally from Belarus and Poland, she moved first to Mallorca, then Barcelona with her now-wife. They are raising a six-year-old daughter and are members of the queer association Famílies LGTBI+. 

FOTO ALENA

"It’s important when she becomes a teenager. Bullying can happen, so I think it’s important for her to have self-confidence and confidence in her family knowing that our family is just like any other family," she says

Lily, the mother of ten-year-old twins, one of whom is trans, shares a similar experience. After her daughter was bullied at school because of her gender identity, she joined AMPGYL, the association of families against gender intolerance. There she met other families in a similar situation and found support, as well as "a space where we can share, express our fears and doubts, and create a community." 

But for her daughter, it was a place where she could meet and play with other children like her. 

FOTO LILY

"It seems trivial, getting children to play together, but it is something immense, because they are no longer singled out. They are just another child who wants to play, and is understood and loved for who they are," explains Lily. 

Both Lily and Maria agree: dignity is something that needs to be invested in. 

"A welfare state is based on taking care of each other, which implies solidarity, understanding, and mutual trust," Lily stresses.

Maria adds: "Resources that support the dignity and care of people who aren't, as I say, productive white men, are the resources that build a democratic society."